Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
i think my cat just said my name.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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