I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
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You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I won't apologize to a one balled man
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He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to