Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
21 Awkward Ways People Found Out Their Partner Was Into Outrageous Sex Acts
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked