brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
