Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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