you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
