i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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