They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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