New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
operation have a gay friend backfired
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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