my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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