Dude my mom stole all your condoms
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
