I murdered the dance floor call the cops
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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