I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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