My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
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