Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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