my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
