garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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