i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
