i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Dicks are not precious.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
