remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
