y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
