she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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