Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
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I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
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I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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