So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Randomize
