how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I will pee on everything he values.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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