No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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