I'd wear matching sweaters with you
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
