This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
