I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
