Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
