Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
We're too hungover to prance.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
