so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Come share oat with me in your robe
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
