I can't watch pbs sober anymore
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
