my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
