Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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