ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
