Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
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