You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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