yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Houston, we have a blender
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize
