1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
