Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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