I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Mom said you looked used
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
