woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
