my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
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