The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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