I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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