Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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