I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
