Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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