I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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