I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
