sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I still have a little drunk in my system
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
