im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
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