Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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