How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
