Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
