He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
