If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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